Broken
by ShiningHopeBeast
Summary: broken: adj. 1) having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order 2) (of a person) having given up all hope; despairing 3) (of an elf) in the state where one's mind is pulled apart; in the state of insanity 4) (of an elf) in the state where one's mind collapses because of guilt {two-shot}
1. b-ro-ke-n

_Quick A/N: My first fic for KOTLC, even though I have been following this fandom for a long time. I'm not so much into writing ongoing series of shows or books, but I just felt compelled to write this fic. So here it is!_

 ** _DISCLAIMER:_** _1) I do not own Keeper of the Lost Cities or any of its characters, etc. (It belongs to Shannon Messenger)_

 _2) The style of this fic was heavily based off of a collection of one-shots by TEAM SOPHIE_

 _3) The idea of this fic loosely came about by The Matchmakers_ _by twinkletoestbh, but isn't_

 _directly related to any of their ideas._

 _A lot of credit goes to all the aforementioned people, and I hope it's okay that I imitate your style, TEAM SOPHIE?_

 _In the words of TEAM SOPHIE: "I do have proper grammar, this is just for the aesthetics."_

 _ITNOJ-SHB 😉_

* * *

 _Every time I see her smile, I_ _remember all the times I've hurt her._

 _I see the joy in her gaze turn to tears, shining and gleaming in her beautiful brown_ _eyes_

 _Because of me._

 _It's all because of me._

 _I see the glow of her face when she_ _is_

 _Happy_

 _And I see the darkness and sorrow when she_

 _Weeps,_

 _As her golden hair falls on her normally radiant_

 _Countenance_

 _Now streaked with tears, and her_

 _Brown eyes_

 _Are dulled with the pain and the grief she feels_

 _Because of me._

 _It's all because of me._

 _Every time I was blaming her for something that wasn't her fault, even though deep down_

 _I love her,_

 _Comes to my mind. All throughout my life I've been_

 _Arrogant,_

 _Bitter,_

 _Conceited,_

 _Dumb_

 _To push her away when really after all these years she has kept me_

 _Together._

 _And now it's too late- she has gone with_

 _Him_

 _And she is happier, even though I see perhaps a flicker of regret when she looks at me, but maybe I'm just hoping too hard. Maybe she's moved on,_

 _Because of me._

 _It's all because of me._

 _They all hate me now. Every one of them who used to be my friend._

 _Of course_

 _He_

 _Does. He was my best friend. And for him to see me hurt the girl we knew each other loved so much- that fueled him to leave me behind_

 _In the dust_

 _And he swept her up in his heroic arms; the knight in shining armor saved the damsel in distress and gave her a shoulder to cry on_

 _Just like in human books._

 _Her "best friend" turned stony silent, refusing to speak to me or look at me every time we pass by. He has never really liked me, and now he has a very good_

 _Reason_

 _Not to. He was always kind to her, her first real true friend. They were kidnapped together. And even though she never returned his_

 _Feelings_

 _For her- he was doomed to remain in the friend zone forever- he still cared about her as much as he could, and never let that stop him from being her_

 _Friend._

 _The twins both turned against me too. For brother and sister as opposite as the halves of yin-yang_

 _In human culture,_

 _They both agreed that I was a despicable creature worth of nothing in this world._

 _The gentle one had only compassion for the moonlark. She_ _poured all her compassion into her and left nothing for me but the flood of_

 _Righteous anger._

 _The brooding one, who most understands how I feel- shunned for his inner and outer darkness by almost all- he did not try to reason out my thoughts_

 _But his protectiveness over her caused him to shun me_

 _Immediately._

 _My beautiful, lovely sister, whom I care for so greatly- she too sided against me. But I don't blame her._

 _While she too started out self centered, using her,_

 _She found a real best friend in her, one_ _unlike she ever had before. She is special to all of us, in different ways, but my sister especially loved her like the_

 _Sister_

 _She never got to have. So when I hurt her she turned and found her loyalties there, the right place, instead of by me, the wrong place. And I know she will never forgive._

 _Not this time._

 _Her parents- already heartbroken by their former loss- turn me away for hurting the one now their daughter. They love her_

 _So much._

 _My parents are ashamed. Not for the first time. But this time is worse. This is the worst of all. I am not worthy of being a Vacker. I am not worthy of upholding the_

 _Family name._

 _And of course, she hates me. How could she not? I wronged her, I hurt her so badly, that this time there is no way that I can ever be her friend again, even if I beg on my knees for_

 _Forgiveness._

 _I think that once she loved me. Maybe I was wrong. But either way, this time was too much. If she did love me, it certainly wasn't strong enough to withstand the_

 _Pain_

 _Of what I did to her._

 _Everyone who used to care for me now despises me, including myself,_

 _Because of me._

 _It's all because of me._

 _I thought I was a good elf. I thought that I was better than certain other people._

 _But my_

 _Anger_

 _Is my_

 _Downfall._

 _How could I have gotten so mad as to_

 _Yell at her so harshly,_

 _To_

 _Snap at her with my flaming tongue_

 _And blame all my troubles on her, blame her_

 _For_

 _Doing something_

 _Wrong_

 _When she really didn't? How did I become_

 _So filled with bitterness that I take it out on her when she comes looking for comfort- seeking out me in particular- from_

 _A_

 _Weary day_

 _Filled with troubles? Am I that uncaring? I thought I love her. But_

 _If I really love her, how can I_

 _Do that_

 _To her?_

 _And now I'll never get a chance to say how_

 _Sorry_

 _I am. They won't let me near her. I'll never plead to her and grovel before her for her mercy. I'll_

 _Never_

 _Even be her_

 _Friend_

 _Ever again_

 _Because of me._

 _It's all because of me._

 _And now I'm alone. All alone. I'm sitting in a_

 _Chair in a white room_

 _But it's not really white, is it? Because there are_

 _Mirrors everywhere, shards across the floor all around me._

 _But are they mirrors? I don't see a reflection. I see a golden boy, perfect and flawless, the best of them all, the one whom they all love. But I'm not that. Maybe once I was. But now_

 _I'm dirty, haggard,_

 _Pieces of me scattered across the floor, that only I can see._

 _I broke her heart, and_

 _Mine too, and now I'm all alone,_

 _Because of me._

 _It's all because of me._

 _But, is it just now that I'm all alone? Maybe I was my whole life, and I just never saw it before. No one ever loved me,_

 _Because of me._

 _It's all because of me._

 _The room is_

 _Dark, but white at_

 _The same time, and the mirrors are reflecting the facade,_

 _The_

 _Mask that I have been wearing my whole life. But I hear a sound._

 _A_

 _Creak._

 _There's a door in_

 _Here_

 _Somewhere._

 _I think?_

 _A beam of light is cast on the floor, the light_

 _Bouncing off the glass and blinding my eyes for_

 _A_

 _Moment._

 _Do I hear something else?_

 ** _Fitz . . ._**

 _It's only a whisper, but I know that voice._

 _But it can't be. I'm just imagining it._

 ** _You're not imagining it, Fitz. I'm really_** _**here.**_

 _Why am I hearing things? I long for her so much that I am conjuring her voice up in my head. She can't be here. Why would she come here?_

 ** _Don't say that! You know that I- care about you._**

 _My mind can't convince me. How can she care about me after what I did to her? And the catch in her voice- that was just my imagination on overdrive. I'm alone. Just as always._

 ** _Fitz, you're not alone. You're just . . . Lost. You need to come back._**

 _How can I be lost? I've been sitting in this chair for a long time now. I haven't moved an inch. My head is making no sense to me._

 ** _Please, Fitz, trust me. All our friends are worried about you- everyone is. They want to see you._**

 _Friends? What friends? I have no friends. How can I get my brain to stop lying to myself?_

 ** _Of course you have friends! Me, Biana, Keefe, Dex, Tam, Linh- we're your friends!_**

 _Pfft. Really? None of them are my friends. None of them care about me. They all hate me. I bet Keefe would like nothing more than to stab my gut and leave me to rot in the dust._

 ** _But we do care-_**

 _Stop lying. Of course they don't care._

 ** _. . . At least your parents care about you. They're worried sick._**

 _My parents never loved me, remember? I was always a failure to them. I was always failing._

 ** _Please, Fitz, you know that's not true! Let me help you find your way again. Then you'll see everything the way it is. Please. You've got to follow me._**

 _I'm not going to let myself go crazy. I'm not going to listen to voices in my head._

 ** _I'm not just a voice, Fitz. I'm real. I'm here. You know who I am Fitz, don't you?_**

 _Should I listen? Maybe it's not just a voice . . ._

 _I know to whom that beautiful voice belongs._

 ** _Tell me who I am, Fitz._**

 _The voice belongs to-_

 _I can't say her name. If I do, I'm afraid_

 _That the guilt will break me_

 _Just as I saw my dad succumb to it. I don't want to be broken, even if I am worthy of my guilt._

 ** _Fitz, please, say my name._**

 _I can't!_

 ** _Please, Fitz-_**

 _LEAVE ME ALONE!_

 _I can't take this any longer. I'm talking to myself like a crazy man. My head is bowed, and my hands are clutching at my crown as I clenched my teeth._

 _. ._

 _Silence._

 _But a final whisper._

 ** _I can't stay any longer, Fitz- I'm too weak. But I promise, I will do everything I can to help you. I'll leave you one last thing, and hopefully it will help you._**

 _I wonder. I raise my head._

 _The warmth that I never noticed had come was suddenly gone and I was_

 _Left_

 _Alone again. But when I looked into the shards_

 _I saw something different. I saw myself_

 _Through her eyes. So she was really here. She had left me memories she had of me- she projected them into my head. But why?_

 _So many images, everywhere I looked. But when I turned my gaze_

 _Right between my feet there was a_

 _Moving picture_

 _Of something I never remembered happening._

 _I picked up the glass though it sliced through my skin and painted my hand red._

 _I saw myself collapsing? Where? Why? All that I couldn't figure out._

 _But as I held the shard, I could hear the screams. "Help! Someone help! . . ._

 _. . . guilt!"_

 _But- when did that happen? I don't remember this._

 _All_

 _Where?_

 _these_

 _What?_

 _thoughts_

 _Why?_

 _bouncing_

 _Is_

 _around_

 _this_

 _in_

 _something_

 _my_

 _real?_

 _head_

 _And then I realize. I finally understand._

 _I fall to my knees on the ground, suddenly in a pitch black, empty room, and weep._

 _"Sophie."_

 _B_

 _R_

 _O_

 _K_

 _E_

 _N_

 _(Because of me._

 _It's all because of me.)_

 _{end poem}_


	2. DEVasTaTiON

_Quick A/N: I decided to expand this into a two-shot. Well, here it is._

devastation: noun 1) great destruction or damage 2) severe and overwhelming shock or grief

 _ **DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Keeper of the Lost Cities or any of its characters (it belongs to Shannon Messenger)_

 _In the words of TEAM SOPHIE: "I do have proper grammar, this is just for the aesthetics."_

 _ITNOJ-SHB_ 😉

* * *

 _It hurt_

 _When you_

 _Yelled._

 _I tried to stuff it into the knot beneath my ribs,_

 _Coiled and tense and full of Emotion._

 _I was so tired that day,_

 _Weary of this life,_

 _Hoping that you might bring some comfort._

 _Instead, you turned and snapped at me,_

 _You poured out all your frustration on me_

 _When I did nothing wrong._

 _It hurt_

 _When I saw your striking teal eyes_

 _Full of unbridled rage_

 _And all the tears I was holding back fell_

 _As I ran out of your house and leaped back home_

 _To weep alone_

 _Leaving you alone in your own misery._

 _It hurt_

 _When they forced me to tell them what happened;_

 _I had to relive the pain all over again,_

 _And I had to tell them how you acted._

 _It hurt_

 _When I forced myself to try to understand_

 _But I did it anyways_

 _Because I care._

 _Because you are my friend._

 _Because I know you have trouble with your anger._

 _It hurt_

 _When I realized how much you ached yourself,_

 _Overwhelmed by your brother,_

 _Conflicted and raging war within yourself._

 _Why did I never see it? It started long before that day._

 _I never tried to help before then. My worries were a day old. Yours were years old._

 _How was I such a bad friend?_

 _It hurt_

 _To see our friends turn away from you;_

 _Whenever we passed by you, they would shield me with their bodies and spear you_

 _With hateful, wary glares._

 _No one talked to you anymore,_

 _Not even a simple "hello" passing by._

 _Even aloud they didn't whisper but loudly proclaimed their aversion to you._

 _It hurt_

 _To see Keefe glare at you whenever you were within sight, painfully tightening his wrap around my waist possessively and protectively in a signal for you to back off;_

 _To see Dex revert to his old coldness and bitterness toward you, downtalking you and saying, "Wonder Boy did it again", as he rolls his eyes, his mouth tight;_

 _To see Linh too angry and afraid to even glance at you as we passed, and instead subtly hide behind me to avoid you, despite how she likes you- that is, like likes you;_

 _To see Tam unforgivingly pierce you with his dark eyes whenever he saw you, reading your shadowvapor suspiciously each rare time your shadow is within reach;_

 _To see your own little sister hold her head high, grab my wrist, and drag me away down the hall when you were near, and talk as if you weren't within hearing distance though she knew you could hear every word._

 _It hurt_

 _When they wouldn't allow me near you, always keeping a close eye on the both of us so you couldn't get near me again._

 _But I want to tell you that I forgive you;_

 _I want us to be friends again._

 _I don't want you to be alone anymore. I don't want there to be a rift between us anymore._

 _It hurt_

 _To see our friends hide beneath their cold exteriors, stuffing their grief and longing for reconciliation_

 _Deep into their hearts, past their thin veil of anger._

 _It hurt_

 _To see the anger and the hate and the bitterness all fade away after those first few months, leaving them with a cold, sad interior,_

 _And to then struggle to keep up the mask of their indifference,_

 _When inside all they wanted to do was welcome you back,_

 _But pride kept them going, just barely._

 _It hurt_

 _To see you suffer as the guilt slowly slammed you down_

 _Day_

 _By_

 _Day_

 _Until it finally broke you._

 _It hurt_

 _To realize how slowly your mind shattered, how prolonged your agony was._

 _It started as a fine crack_

 _And grew each day by a sliver_

 _Threading out like a fine spiderweb_

 _Until you- until suddenly everything burst apart._

 _It hurt_

 _When I finally got the chance to talk to you_

 _When my friends finally relaxed their grip on me enough_

 _That I could slip away to see you,_

 _To finally talk and repair our relationship;_

 _But when I called your name and you turned around,_

 _After a moment, after your eyes had widened and your hands had trembled just like mine trembled,_

 _You collapsed._

 _It hurt_

 _To scream at the top of my lungs-_

 _But it wasn't that it was tearing my throat apart,_

 _But that it was tearing my heart apart_

 _To see you lying there, cold and_

 _Motionless,_

 _Knowing that it was because of guilt, that your mind had broken._

 _It hurt_

 _To see them take you away to help you, when I wanted to refuse to let you go, when I wanted to hold onto you and never let you go,_

 _To heal your broken mind right at that moment._

 _It hurt_

 _For them to tell me to wait_

 _So they could be certain_

 _Even though I was sure already._

 _It hurts_

 _To see you lying there on your bed,_

 _Cold and motionless_

 _As if you are in an unbreakable sleep._

 _It hurts_

 _To come and sit next to you and grip your cold hand with my trembling one_

 _As I worry what I will see once I enter your mind._

 _It hurts_

 _When I open the door that's in your mind,_

 _And see the room you've trapped yourself in:_

 _The darkness filled with mirrors that reflect who you are in the world's eyes,_

 _And you sit all alone in a chair in the middle of it all,_

 _The light coming through the door and illuminating your back._

 _It hurts_

 _To hear your thoughts, shattered and scattered and fractured reality._

 _"Fitz," I_ _whisper to you._

 _"_ _It's only a whisper, but I know that voice. But_ _it can't be. I'm just imagining it," you say in your head._

 _"You're not imagining it, Fitz. I'm really_ _here," I try to assure you._

 _"Why am I hearing things? I long for her so much that I am conjuring her voice up in my head. She can't be here. Why would she come here?"_

 _How could you think that?_

 _"Don't say that! You know that I-" I was about to say that I love you. "-care about you."_

 _"My mind can't convince me. How can she care about me after what I did to her? And the catch in her voice- that was just my imagination on overdrive. I'm alone. Just as always."_

 _But you were never alone!_

 _"Fitz, you're not alone. You're just . . ." Is it safe to tell you that your mind is broken? I shouldn't chance it. "Lost. You need to come back."_

 _"How can I be lost? I've been sitting in this chair for a long time now. I haven't moved an inch. My head is making no sense to me." Your imagination has become reality to you. You're living in your head._

 _"Please, Fitz, trust me," I plead. "All our friends are worried about you- everyone is. They want to see you."_

 _"Friends? What friends? I have no friends. How can I get my brain to stop lying to myself?"_

 _"Of course you have friends! Me, Biana, Keefe, Dex, Tam, Linh- we're your friends!" What like have you convinced yourself of._

 _"Pfft. Really? None of them are my friends. None of them care about me. They all hate me. I bet Keefe would like nothing more than to stab my gut and leave me to rot in the dust." Okay, maybe that was true for a while. But deep down he still cares for you. We all do._

 _"But we do care-"_

 _"Stop lying. Of course they don't care."_

 _It stings to hear his sharp voice pitted against me again. It takes me a moment to respond. "._ _. . At least your parents care about you. They're worried sick." Alden and Della are right by your side, I know, as I'm working to heal your mind. I can tell that they're gripping your hands tightly, hoping that you will get better._

 _"My parents never loved me, remember? I was always a failure to them. I was always failing." You felt like a failure, Fitz?_

 _"Please, Fitz, you know that's not true! Let me help you find your way again. Then you'll see everything the way it is. Please. You've got to follow me." You have to free yourself from the dark chamber of despair you've trapped yourself in._

 _"I'm not going to let myself go crazy. I'm not going to listen to voices in my head." I can't tell if you're talking to me or to yourself._

 _"I'm not just a voice, Fitz. I'm real. I'm here. You know who I am Fitz, don't you?"_

 _"Should I listen? Maybe it's not just a voice . . ." No, I'm not just a voice! "I_ _know to whom that beautiful voice belongs." Wait- beautiful? You think that- no time for that now._

 _"Tell me who I am, Fitz." Yes, tell me, please. Maybe it will be what will bring you out of this state._

 _"The voice belongs to-" Yes, come on, you can do it! "_ _I can't say her name." What? No! "If I do, I'm afraid that_ _the guilt will break me just_ _as I saw my dad succumb to it. I don't want to be broken, even if I am worthy of my guilt." But you're already broken Fitz. I have to try again._

 _"Fitz, please, say my name."_

 _"I can't!"_

 _"Please, Fitz-"_

 _"LEAVE ME ALONE!"_

 _It hurts_

 _To hear you yell at me once again. Your words are stabbing through me like a knife. My chest burns, tears spring unbidden to my eyes. The yelling is painful. It's what caused this whole thing. I feel like giving up._

 _But I can't. I can't let this happen over again. I can't give up on you. My strength is dwindling- I can feel it- but I have to give one last try. But what can I do? Aha!_

 _"I can't stay any longer, Fitz- I'm too weak. But I promise, I will do everything I can to help you. I'll leave you one last thing, and hopefully it will help you."_

 _With the last of my strength, I pour out all my memories of you into your mind. All our happy times, our sad ones, the joy, kindness, grief, embarrassment, hope, peace, anger, friendship._

 _Love._

 _With that final push, I must leave. The door closes behind me as I return to my own head._

 _In the real world I collapse._

 _It hurts_

 _To open my eyes, my head throbbing as I lie on your chest._

 _They don't ask about it, but I answer anyways in a choked whisper._

 _"It didn't work."_

 _Sorrow and pain overwhelms me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't heal your mind. You are still broken, motionless, simply lying there._

 _I'll never see you laugh again,_

 _Smile again with that charming grin,_

 _Cry again with those striking teal eyes,_

 _Speak again with your unique voice-_

 _You stir underneath me. I raise my head to look at you, hope rising-_

 _But you still have no consciousness. You are not healed._

 _But your lips move, and murmur a single word._

 _"Sophie."_

 _D_

 _E_

 _V_

 _A_

 _S_

 _T_

 _A_

 _T_

 _I_

 _O_

 _N_

 _(It hurts.)_

 _{end poem}_


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